I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
