I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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