I swear she didn't look like that last week.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
