He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
smell my finger.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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