Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
