So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize