I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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