There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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