dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize