Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
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