dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
