I can text with my tongue
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Randomize
