There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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