If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
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