i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
