I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize