her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
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