you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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