if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
