what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
