i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
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