How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
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