apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
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