dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Randomize