I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Randomize