Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
Randomize
