Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
