dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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