I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
