my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Randomize
