I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Randomize
