I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
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