I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Randomize
