Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Randomize
