If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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