Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Randomize
