So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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