i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
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