My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
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