I can't breathe out the right side of my face
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
pray to the hookup gods
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I party with great urgency now.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
