I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
