No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
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