I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
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