i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
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