This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
