He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
