you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Randomize
