the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
