It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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