My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
