I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Randomize
