I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
