Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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