I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
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