im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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