Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
