I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
We have so much sex to catch up on
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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